Introspective conversation

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(Estimated reading time: 2 min, 28 sec)

Q: We are used to seeing people from the outside. What would it be like to see them from the inside? 

Two introspective researchers had an introspective conversation. They sent us the result. So, other researchers can open a window on what happens inside other people.

Their names are fictitious, of course, but the correspondence is sincere and shows us real problems. We hope that our fellow researchers will find valuable ideas for their own introspective journeys.

"Listening"; acrylic painting by Aurora Mazzoldi. An example of an introspective conversation
“Listening”; acrylic painting on canvas by Aurora Mazzoldi

LUCIA WRITES TO IRIS. Her email begins with an intense self-criticism from the part of the human being that goes by the name of Inner Judge.

Hi Iris,

Fears and emotional sabotage

After reawakening (thanks to self-observation) old fears — hidden in my past — I have brought heavy emotions to the surface, that now unbalance me… I feel shy, always on guard. I have difficulty speaking and saying how I feel.

I often avoid getting to know people and getting involved with them for fear that they will deceive me; is this an emotional sabotage by my inner victim? I have already realized this, and it is helping me to become more aware and to continue on my introspective path. Even though I am still more afraid to investigate why all this is happening. When I have entered into situations, relationships, and events that have pushed me into an emotional quagmire, there will be a why, a why that goes beyond what I know about life. It scares me, but I want to know… even if it hurts.

The monster in me: emotions and masks

I wonder how perverted my inner world is for leading me to make me unconsciously seekout such heavy experiences. When I break out of certain patterns, am I a monster in human disguise? or a “human” dressed as a monster with a mask to hide it? Are my worries about all that I love, respect and defend, just a mask? Even my tears? Can’t I tell the difference between emotions and masks?

A Monster Woman.
Source: Leonardo AI

And yet, I get emotional; I know how to have fun without a beer in my hand; I feel pleasant shivers in circumstances such as hugging or kissing someone, smiling, or laughing. When I look at the sky, at the mountains, I feel my heart warm and light. All these feelings do not seem like a mask. I have a great desire to experience them every day, but I rarely do so in human relationships; only when I am alone, in the midst of nature, do I let them flow freely.

I realized how strong the energy of the monster in me is. But the wonderful breeze that embraces me in some moments of awareness (which I never had before) is stronger and will help me follow the path I have started.

Out of the emotional swamp!

Well, I wonder if I have unconsciously planned to suffer because I need to learn how to unravel some deep knot that is doing me so much harm. When I realize that I have asked for “such experiences” part of me feels like a monster; could that be humanly unacceptable?

Another part of me wants to grasp the deep meaning of the events and turn everything into opportunities to work on.

It’s hard… there’s a lot of anger in me. But I find it more frustrating to stand still in an “emotional swamp” and do nothing to get out of it — nothing to change the patterns that rule and limit my life.

Curiosity and the desire to expand my knowledge is what drives me out of the “comfort zone” … Whatever happens, it will always be better than stagnation, it will always be a movement towards a new personal goal.

Lucia

This correspondence continues:

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