Through Emotional Chaos. Reader describe what they feel

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Through Emotional Chaos (Licia)

(Estimated reading time: 2 min, 34 sec)

Often, by moving the pen on the paper or the fingers on the keyboard, answers or solutions jump out and help me make sense of what I am doing and feeling. So, I thought I would write down this experience of mine on the Inner Observer.

Fear of Making Mistakes

Through emotional chaos - "Jane" by Aurora Mazzoldi . — Aurora Mazzoldi; Jane; acrylic on canvas panel

In this period of inner exploration, when I have a question, I have a tremendous fear of making mistakes. Several answers come. I “automatically” choose the one that seems most appropriate at that moment. Only later do I realize that I have not found the best answer or acted coherently.

There must be a flaw — in the “automatic” way I decide or in my hidden fear — that allows me to make a mistake.

Occasionally, I realize I have made a mistake:

I did not give the right answer to a question;
I failed to respond to a request;
I have done a halfway decent job while almost forgetting what I was doing;

I am in an emotional chaos, and this makes me feel like I’m incapable of doing anything right in life and I realize that I fix things more by accident than by conscious choice.

Excessive Self-Criticism or Self-Deprecation?

I have a tendency toward excessive self-criticism. My self-esteem drops. I feel anxious and shy. Things I’ve always found easy become difficult.

It’s clear that after a lifetime of trying to hide experiences — that I would have liked to erase forever — some things are finally coming out.

I know this is right. It gives me the opportunity to get to know my deepest part so that I can “feel” it, welcome it and then let it calm down… Thanks to introspective research, I am learning to understand what I “feel” and recognize what is happening inside and outside of me. It proves that there is in me a positive evolution in me.

Of course, sometimes I am still overwhelmed by the fear of making a mistake in whatever I do.

The Confusion Phase

I get lost in a kind of emptiness. It’s as if my neurons are disconnecting from each other and then reconnecting, creating a new connection.

I hope it’s just a disorientation that shakes up old patterns — an adrenaline rush that then regains altitude on a new and perhaps better path.

Perhaps I feel victimized and judgmental during this processing period. Sporadically, I feel a lot of anger, and often the “sabotaging” part of me keeps me stuck, confused, and unhappy with myself.

I don’t like feeling confused. But then, when I calm down all these sabotaging attempts, I can see a ray of light at the bottom of my soul … and that makes me feel that I’m on the right track… MY TRACK.

Licia

Fear of Inner Chaos (Aleramo)

Life is often chaotic. Chaos accompanies us everywhere. In the past, I tried to get rid of it. I could not stand it, and I admired people who looked calm; it seemed that nothing could touch them.

“Why am I not like them? What am I doing wrong that I’m constantly assaulted by thoughts and emotions that I have no control over?” — I would say to myself. I felt wrong, useless, chaotic….

Woman at the movies. — Source: Leonardo AI

Then, one day, I said to myself, “When you watch a movie, do you like it to be quiet, measured, repetitive? Does it bother you when someone raises their voice, when there are arguments, or even fights between the main characters?”

It was a lightning bolt! My view of myself has changed a lot since then. Before, I was afraid to look inside, to discover my inner emotional chaos, my struggles. Later, I became interested in this chaos. I realized how interesting it is to observe my emotions. I had an inner movie that wasn’t flat, uniform, boring, dead. A movie that I could watch all the time, that would stay with me throughout all my life….

Was it my inner chaos that was mistaken, or was it my mania to impose order where there should be no order?

Aleramo