Through Emotional Chaos

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Through Emotional Chaos (Licia)

(Estimated reading time: 2 min, 34 sec)

Often, by moving the pen on the paper or the fingers on the keyboard, answers or solutions jump out and help me make sense of what I am doing and feeling. So, I thought I would write down this experience of mine on the Inner Observer.

Fear of making mistakes

In this period of inner research, when I have a question, several answers come. I “automatically” choose the one that seems most appropriate at that moment. Only later, do I realize that I have not found the best answer or acted coherently.

There must be a flaw — in the “automatic” way I decide or in my hidden fear — that allows me to make a mistake.

 Through emotional chaos - "Jane" by Aurora Mazzoldi .
Aurora Mazzoldi; Jane; acrylic on canvas panel

Occasionally, I realize I have made a mistake:

  • I did not give the right answer to a question;
  • I failed to respond to a request;
  • I have done a halfway decent job while almost forgetting what I was doing;

This makes me feel like I’m incapable of doing anything right in life and I realize that I fix things more by accident than by conscious choice.

Self-criticism or self-deprecation?

My self-esteem drops. I feel anxious and shy. Things I’ve always found easy become difficult.

It’s clear that after a lifetime of trying to hide experiences — that I would have liked to erase forever — some things are finally coming out.

I know this is right. It gives me the opportunity to get to know my deepest part so that I can “feel” it, welcome it and then let it calm down… Thanks to introspective research, I am learning to understand what I “feel” and recognize what is happening inside and outside of me. It proves that there is in me a positive evolution in me.

Of course, sometimes I am still overwhelmed by the fear of making a mistake in whatever I do.

The confusion phase

I get lost in a kind of emptiness. It’s as if my neurons are disconnecting from each other and then reconnecting, creating a new connection.

I hope it’s just a disorientation that shakes up old patterns — an adrenaline rush, that then regains altitude on a new and perhaps better path.

Perhaps I feel victimized and judgmental during this processing period. Sporadically, I feel a lot of anger, and often the “sabotaging” part of me keeps me stuck, confused, and unhappy with myself.

I don’t like feeling confused. But then, when I calm down all these sabotaging attempts, I can see a ray of light at the bottom of my soul … and that makes me feel that I’m on the right track… MY TRACK.

Licia

Fear of inner chaos (Aleramo)

Life is often chaotic. Chaos accompanies us everywhere. In the past, I tried to get rid of it. I could not stand it, and I admired people who looked calm; it seemed that nothing could touch them.

“Why am I not like them? What am I doing wrong that I’m constantly assaulted by thoughts and emotions that I have no control over?”— I would say to myself. I felt wrong, useless, chaotic….

Then, one day, I said to myself, “When you watch a movie, do you like it to be quiet, measured, repetitive? Does it bother you when someone raises their voice, when there are arguments, or even fights between the main characters?”

It was a lightning bolt! My view of myself has changed a lot since then. Before, I was afraid to look inside, to discover my inner chaos, my struggles. Later, I became interested in that chaos. I had an inner movie that wasn’t flat, uniform, boring, dead. A movie that I could watch all the time, that would stay with me throughout all my life….

Woman at the movies.
Source: Leonardo AI

Was it my inner chaos that was wrong, or was it my mania to impose order where there should be no order?

Aleramo