Caught in a whirlwind of thoughts

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Caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions (Alice in Wonderland)

(Estimated Reading Time: 2 min, 29 sec)

Often, thoughts and emotions overlap. I cannot then understand what is moving inside me. I also don’t understand how to link the results of my introspective work to the facts of my life.

Occasionally, I observe and analyze my life situations from an introspective standpoint. I am uncertain if I associate right what I learn, but I see with pleasure that it has become a kind of “mechanism” as well… and this is a HEALTHY mechanism.

I can, in most cases, observe a situation from the outside for a moment; then I fall back again into it — identified — and go on with my games.

Only a few times, I can live the situation more “detached”, and analyze it more accurately.

Today, observing a painting, I tried to feel, and create correlations with my current moment in life-correlations that I would like to share with other inner researchers.

The power of NO

When I first saw the painting The Power of NO, trying to give it a name, I thought of how much I stuck to my convictions,

Aurora Mazzoldi - The Power of No - Caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions
Aurora Mazzoldi — The Power of No — acrylic on canvas (cm. 60 × 80)

convictions I have because of conditioning from family and social patterns.

When I reflect on how I live, I feel that sometimes I attempt to boycott everything; I feel a great desire to escape, to “go back to where I come from” instead of searching.

But where am I coming from?

I come from a state of SOLITUDE and ABANDONMENT.

Of course, loneliness had its positive sides; it wasn’t possible to get bored because suffering kept me on edge all the time. In addition, no one had demands on me, and I had no obligations or duties.

In this lonely hustle and bustle, I could be 100% myself all the time. I didn’t have to go to the “trouble” of making emotional contact; I didn’t have to control every word and action.

I was living on the surface, but I found it light.

When I entered relationships with others, I found everything very heavy.

Too many demands, too many expectations… the right word is TOO MUCH AWARENESS… living with your eyes open and no longer sleeping.

The child’s face in the painting conveys his conviction — and irritation — that what he believes is right, and that the world should change because he is right.

Is the situation wrong? There’s something wrong.

Though it’s not the situation itself; it might be the way I approach it.

I feel like a child who doesn’t want to obey because he thinks the world is unfair and things should be the way he wants them to be.

Victim playing

The crux of the problem is:

What does the child want? What do I want?

Do I want to build authentic relationships, or do I want to keep playing?

When I was playing, I lived unaware, laughing, “joking with everyone”, without even realizing….

Victim playing isn’t always bad… everyone is closer to me — or at least they “must” be. — I don’t know what kind of energy they give me, since they are close to me, out of duty and not by choice.

When does the game end?

A couple of months of victimization and absolute drama — crying, tears, sense of abandonment, endless loneliness — and then off we go again!

Is that a necessary price to pay? A period of total suffering, of full identification with the victim… and so on.

What if I discover I could enjoy myself and live my “games” with genuine joy, without hurting myself?

Would it be that bad?

Alice in Wonderland