Caught in a whirlwind of thoughts

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Caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions (Alice in Wonderland)

Often, the thoughts and emotions overlap each other. I cannot then understand what is going on inside me. I also don’t understand how to connect the results of my introspective work with the facts of my life.

(Estimated reading time: 2 min, 29 sec)

Occasionally, I observe and analyze my life situations from an introspective point of view. I am not sure if I am associating what I am learning correctly, but I am pleased to see that it has also become a kind of “mechanism” as well… and it is a HEALTHY mechanism.

Most of the time I can observe a situation from the outside for a moment; then I fall back again into it — identified — and continue with my games.

Only a few times, I can live the situation more “detachedly”, and analyze it more precisely.

Today, while looking at a painting, I tried to feel, and create correlations with my current moment in life-correlations that I would like to share with other inner explorer.

The power of NO

When I first saw the painting “The Power of NO” and tried to give it a name, I thought about how much I hold on to my beliefs,

beliefs I have because of conditioning from family and social patterns.

When I think about how I live, I feel that sometimes I try to boycott everything; I feel a great desire to escape, to “go back to where I came from” instead of searching.

But where do I come from?

I come from a state of SOLITUDE and RESIGNATION.

Aurora Mazzoldi - The Power of No - Caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.
Aurora Mazzoldi — The Power of No — Acrylic on canvas (cm. 60 × 80)

Of course, loneliness had its positive sides; it wasn’t possible to get bored because suffering kept me on edge of my seat. Besides, no one made any demands on me, and I had no obligations or duties.

In this lonely hustle and bustle, I could be 100% myself all the time. I didn’t have to “worry” about making emotional contact; I didn’t have to control every word and action.

I lived on the surface, but I found it easy.

When I entered into relationships with others, I found everything very heavy.

Too many demands, too many expectations… the right word is TOO MUCH AWARENESS… living with open eyes and sleeping anymore.

The face of the child in the painting conveys his conviction — and irritation — that what he believes is right, and that the world should change because he is right.

Is the situation wrong? There’s something wrong.

Even if it’s not the situation itself, maybe it’s the way I am approaching it.

I feel like a child who doesn’t want to obey because he thinks the world is unfair and things should be the way he wants them to be.

Victim play

The crux of the problem is:

What does the child want? What do I want?

Do I want to build authentic relationships, or do I want to keep playing?

When I was playing, I was living unconsciouslye, laughing, “joking with everyone”, without even realizing it….

Playing the victim isn’t always bad… everyone is closer to me — or at least they “have” to be. — I don’t know what kind of energy they give me, because they are close to me, out of duty and not by choice.

When does the game end?

A few months of victimization and absolute drama — crying, tears, feelings of abandonment, endless loneliness — and then it starts again!

Is this a necessary price to pay? A period of total suffering, of total identification with the victim… and so on.

Immagine di donna che fa la vittima, I. A.
Source: Leonardo A.I.

What if I discovered that I could enjoy myself and live my “games” with real joy, without hurting myself?

Would that be so bad?

Alice in Wonderland