Emotional Storm

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Emotional Storm, No. 4,567. I feel inadequate.

(Estimated reading time: 2 min, 45 sec)

I’m not centered now. A few days ago, I went through an emotional storm. I want to analyze it now to see its introspective features.

This summer, I’ve had intense periods at work. No matter how light my office work seems, I end up stressed. It’s always the same. mechanism.

A few days ago, I had an emotional crisis, the emotional storm I mentioned in the title.

I went for coffee with a colleague. While we talked about this and that, she told me about rumors she had heard. My coworkers thought I was unpleasant and bad-tempered.

My world fell apart. I cried all day in despair.

Aurora Mazzoldi. Consolation - Emotional Storm (detail)
Aurora Mazzoldi. Consolation; acrylic painting on canvas (detail)

The Need to dramatize

Now I see things better. I realize I had exaggerated the situation, and that had made my mood even darker. I had to weigh it down, and I did.

Another colleague said that — when asked if there were new printer cartridges — I replied, “I have none here. Open the cabinet and look.”

Picture of a bad-tempered woman
Source: Leonardo AI

This was not true at all because, when asked, I got up from my desk and stood beside her to help her look inside the cabinet. Now, thinking back, I realize that underneath… I was fighting the urge to snap at her. I was wearing a mask to endure a boring situation; her frequent requests irritated me. Was she reacting to my mood?

Later, a colleague told me that four coworkers argued that I was unpleasant. They also said I was bad-tempered.

Damn, does everyone there hate me? Here I entered the “ugly duckling syndrome” again. I felt the inadequacy I had known as a child. It had also happened in my family. And a second crisis began.

A second aspect of the emotional storm

The second emotional crisis arose; my behavior does not seem to correspond to reality; am I “out like a light”?

All summer, I had enjoyed my work; I had received positive feedback from clients. My supervisors appreciate my work; I fulfill my duties without difficulty or delay. They consider me efficient.

When I talked with my colleague again, I went into the deep end. She told me that she has the urge to eavesdrop when someone enters my office to know how I behave.

Can’t I be aware of my behavior? Am I psychotic? I got up and left. I cried all evening.

Here, I reached the highest level of victimization. I thought the entire world was against me.

Need for Validation

My self-esteem was at its lowest level. I needed reassurance, so I turned to my parents.

My mom thought the negative comments were not okay. She reminded me that there will always be someone who doesn’t like us. We must get over it.

My dad is sure that I will be fine in the office, and that I will be efficient and professional.

But these assurances do not meet my needs. They don’t suit me. This is not what I am looking for. So, I choose another possibility. Yet, it will lower my energy. How? I am calling Paolo.

He avoids showing compassion. Listening to someone in a crisis and speaking a word of comfort is not good for him.

I knew even before I called him that he would undermine me, just like my colleague, if not worse. But I called him anyway. For 40 minutes, I heard about how I’m too proud, arrogant, rude, tomboyish, and more.

Goal accomplished: I felt sick again.

Then I met a friend of mine who does the same work as I do, and I received words of understanding and comfort. I felt welcome and supported.

So, I have calmed down and felt reassured, but….

I am still sad. How do I deal with my feelings?

Alice in Wonderland

Alice in Wonderland also wrote another page about getting caught in a whirlwind:

“Whirlwind of Thoughts and Emotions”