Inner Mechanisms

This page is also available in: Italiano (Italian)

Recognizing Inner Mechanisms

(Estimated reading time: 2 min, 8 sec)

I observe my inner mechanisms.

Syay awake and recognize your inner mechanisms! Aurora Mazzoldi - Jessica - acrylic painting.
Aurora Mazzoldi; Jessica; acrylic painting on canvas panel

I observe the mechanisms of my sister.

I observe the situation.

But I do not accept it.

Mine is a constant struggle against the sense of duty, and the sense of guilt; it is also an external verbal struggle with my sister herself.

I observe how my sister works:

Our work is getting busier and busier; there are more and more people, and our business is going well; from that point of view, we can’t complain at all. But our quality of life is inversely proportional to the growth trend of the business. My sister looks exhausted. But she doesn’t stop for a second. Her control freak, her sense of duty, keeps her going. She believes it can’t go on without her.

She works harder than anyone in there.

I observe my inner mechanismS

When I put myself on autopilot, I do what she does; without realizing it, I do what she does. Then I get cold sores because I get so mad at myself. The situation weighs me down, and doesn’t give me a chance to live well, even outside of work.

My sister works, she finishes work around 5 p.m., and then… she sleeps. She sleeps until dinnertime; she eats, and then she sleeps again. Is this life?

Repetition of existential models

I always do the same thing. I finish work, then I go home and sit in front of the television… I eat dinner, and then I fall asleep in front of the television.

It is difficult for me to get up in the morning and go to work. It is difficult to be there. I don’t even take the time to eat… I get up and eat whatever I find… I always eat too much.

My social life is dead. Just a few phone calls to my friends from the couch.

Repetitions of existential models. A woman is looking at the television.
Source: Leonardo AI

Too Deep in Duties — Avoiding Pleasure

The idea of having a boyfriend creates an inner conflict in me.

On one hand, I miss having a person to share things with… but what do I have to share? Nothing but work.

I miss some love. What kind of life do I live? No parties, no drinking with friends. Just a few dinners, but… but I don’t feel like it; I don’t miss the time, but I don’t want it. I feel like I’m 110 years old. The situation at work during the day consumes me so much that I don’t want to do more than go home and stay with my dog.

live the situation to the end to get out of the mechanism

Even if I don’t accept the situation. I know that I have to experience things by observing them, and so I will continue to observe all this garbage and the emotions it arouses in me.

I’m going to withhold judgment, and to avoid labeling.

But I will live the situation with my eyes open — all the way through — knowing that this is the only way to get out of the mechanism.

If I can see things that way… I have hope in my heart….

A first step, if nothing else.

Alice in Wonderland

This author has also written: “caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings”