Inner Mechanisms

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Recognizing the Inner Mechanisms

(Estimated Reading Time: 2 min, 8 sec)

I observe my inner mechanisms.

Aurora Mazzoldi - Jessica - acrylic painting - example of inner mechanisms
Aurora Mazzoldi; Jessica; acrylic painting on canvas panel

I observe my sister’s mechanisms.

I am also observing the situation.

But I am not accepting it.

Mine is a continuous struggle against senses of duty, and senses of guilt; it is also an external verbal struggle with my sister herself.

I observe how my sister works:

Our work is getting busier and busier; there are more and more people, and our business is going well; from that standpoint, we can’t complain at all. But the quality of life we live is inversely proportional to the growth trend of business. My sister looks exhausted. Yet, she doesn’t stop for a second. Her control freak, her sense of duty, keeps her going. She believes things can’t go on without her.

She works harder than anyone in there.

I watch my inner mechanism

How I feel then!… If I put myself on autopilot, I do what she does; without realizing it, I do what she does. Then I get cold sores because I get mad as hell at myself. The situation weighs me down, and doesn’t give me a chance to live well, even outside of work.

My sister works, she finishes work around 5pm, and then… she sleeps. She sleeps until dinner time; she eats and then sleeps again. Is this life?

Repetition of existential models

I always do the same. I finish work, then I go home and sit in front of the TV… I eat dinner, and then I fall asleep in front of the TV.

It is difficult for me to get up in the morning and go to work. It is difficult to be there. I don’t even take the time to eat… I stand up and eat what I find… I always eat too much.

My social life is dead. Only some phone calls to my friends from the couch.

Too Deep in Duties — Avoiding Pleasure

The idea of having a boyfriend triggers an internal conflict in me.

On one hand, I miss having a person to share things with… but what have I to share? Nothing besides work.

I miss some love. What kind of life am I living? No parties, no drinks with friends. Only a few dinners, but… but I don’t feel like it; the time is not missing, but I am not desiring it. I feel like I’m 110 years old. The situation at work during the day consumes me so much that I don’t want to do more than go home and stay with my dog.

Experiencing the situation to the end to get out of the mechanism

Even if I’m not accepting the situation. I know I must experience things by observing them, and so I will continue to observe all this garbage and the emotions it arouses in me.

I’m going to hold back judgment, and to avoid putting labels.

But I will live the situation with my eyes open — all the way through — knowing that this is the only way to get out of the mechanism.

When I can see things that way… I have hope in my heart….

A first step, if nothing else.

Alice in Wonderland

This author has also written: “caught in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions”